Editor's note: I attend over fifty track and cross country meets each year. At virtually every meet, I hear multiple parents setting what appear to be unrealistic expectations or putting unneeded pressure on their athletes. Does the junior high boy running a 10:00 pace in the 3k really need to pass four guys in front of him? Is a college scholarship waiting at the finish line for the high school girl who breaks 12:00 in the 3200? When an athlete is staggering through the last 800 meters, is 'run faster' helpful in any way?
Although many of these comments strike me as unhelpful, I have struggled how to guide parents to a more supportive role. Fortunately, I'm friends with a high-level high school coach who is also a performance coach. As the two of us walked towards the finish line at a recent meet, I asked for a big favor: "Could you write an article about how to make this better?" In less than a week he delivered the article below. I hope parents, coaches and athletes take the time to read it.
Author: Jeremy Haselhorst
My oldest son was a sophomore in high school and a normal conversation at the dinner table served as an anchor point for me to understand my role as a cross-country parent. We were talking about his upcoming race, a topic I had started. As I shared my thoughts he looked at me and respectfully said, “Dad, you are not my coach.”
Did those words sting? Absolutely. Did my ego well up causing me to want to respond “Do you know who I am? Do you know what I know?” Yes! But I simply responded, “You are right, I’m sorry. What do you need from me as your dad?”
I share that story to illustrate that I understand being a sports parent is hard and that I was not a perfect sports parent. At times I struggled to take off my coach hat and put on my dad hat for my own two sons. Thankfully when I overstepped my bounds they were gracious enough to redirect me back to who they needed me to be as they pursued their goals. Like most sports parents, I was doing what I thought was best for them. The truth is, in my role as dad, I don’t always know what’s best.
So, who am I and what do I know? My name is Jeremy Haselhorst; my athletes at Papillion La Vista South High School (PL South) call me Coach H. This is my 25th year as a cross country and track & field coach. I’ve been fortunate enough to watch my teams win State titles, and we've had our share of State medalists and State champions. The past eleven years I’ve taught a Leadership Academy at PL South which has given me the unique opportunity to hear and learn from students, including many high-level athletes, about the challenges they face. Those experiences led me to become certified as a Mental Performance Mastery coach to better serve my athletes and students by equipping them with mental skills to overcome their struggles. (I also run a business called FREE2COMPETE where I share these mental skills with athletes and coaches outside of PL South.)
Before I get too deep into this article, I want to make it clear that I’ve never coached a cross country or track athlete who has competed professionally. In my view, sports are one of many extracurricular activities that prepare students for the challenges they’ll face as adults. Sports are something they DO but it does not define who they ARE. Indeed, my most successful cross country athletes are often more noted for their classroom excellence and high CHARACTER; most who compete in college receive more in academic grants than they do in athletic scholarships.
Still, even among high performers I’ve known many student athletes who seem to get “stuck in their head.” Maybe you’ve seen this in your own son or daughter. You’ve seen them put in the physical work but continually get tripped up by their mental game. There are many causes for these stumbles and… you might actually be one of them. This article provides tips on how to be a better sports parent. If you’re an athlete, keep reading because you may want to share this with your parents. If you’re a coach, I have some ideas for you as well.
The three players in your child's sporting life
First let’s talk about three key players in the life of a high school athlete.
ATHLETE: This person is the most important. After all, it is ultimately their athletic experience. They are the ones who have to do the work. They are the ones who make the daily choices, big and small, that will ultimately impact what they achieve in their sports. The athletes have final say in selecting their personal goals.
COACH: This person’s job is to train, teach, equip, critique, challenge and cast a vision for the athlete.
PARENT: Your job is to support, love, comfort, celebrate, encourage and give hope to the athlete. (We should also include feed, chauffeur, buy shoes and so much more!)
The athletes I’ve coached who have experienced the most personal growth through sports have had clear boundaries between the athlete, parents, and coaches. Leadership expert Brene Brown says it simply: “clear is kind.” This quote is one of my guiding principles because it is so true; clarity creates an environment for kindness. When you are clear about what you expect from someone, you are being kind to someone by setting them up for success. When someone is clear with you, you can be kind by following through.
Blurred lines
Problems often arise for young athletes today when these three roles start to blur. Which one of these key players typically wants to take on other roles? In my experience through 25 years of coaching and listening to student athletes, it is the PARENTS!
What can this look like? Parent blurs into coach on the drive home, telling the athlete all the things they did wrong or could have done better. Parent blurs into athlete when they are pushing the athlete toward a specific goal. Parent blurs into coach when they start pushing extra training outside of practice time. Parent blurs into athlete when they micromanage their son/daughter’s schedule. Parent blurs into coach when they openly question the decisions made by the real coach in front of their son/daughter. Parent blurs into athlete when it seems like they care about the sport and achievement more than their son or daughter does.
I get it. As parents we often blur these roles because we love our kids without limits. We want them to succeed. We want what's best for them. Unfortunately, that can create a challenging environment for our children because it isn’t very clear. And remember, clear is kind!
I also think there is something else at play in how we operate as a sports parent. I once read that ‘parenting is the most competitive sport in America today.’ I believe it. You don’t have to look very far to see parents pouring ridiculous amounts of resources (time and money) into their child’s athletic experience. We tell ourselves that we can’t let our child fall behind in this rat race. However, in my conversations with parents, they often tell me that they simply don’t want to look like a bad parent. Deep down inside they also want to protect their own ego; a star athlete in the house can be a status symbol. If any of these points are true for you, you may be sending a message to your child that their value comes from what they DO rather than from who they ARE!
Sports should build up children, not pull them down
If you think this sounds a little extreme, perhaps offensive, just look at what is going on with young people today. The rates of anxiety and depression continue to rise despite the fact that we are talking about mental health more than ever and putting more resources towards the mental health of young people than ever. When I started teaching and coaching, students who weren’t involved in a sport or activity were the ones we worried about when it came to suicide. Now our own state of Nebraska is impacted multiple times a year by 'successful' high school athletes taking their own lives.
Based on the conversations we have with students each year in our Leadership Academy, I know that many of them have spent some time in the dark hopeless place of depression or anxiety. The pursuit of a college scholarship or State championship - whether that goal originated with the student or parent - can seem more important than the person they become through sports. DO becomes greater than ARE.
Sport should be used by our young adults to become the best version of themselves; instead, sport often uses our young adults and the consequences are severe. Their mental and physical health is bearing the consequences of this. Why? We, the adults, haven’t been clear about what is really important when it comes to sports. This lack of clarity has caused us to be unintentionally unkind to them.
A clear path forward
Now, I don’t want to be all doom and gloom, particularly since my teaching and coaching goals are to create hope and a mindset of competing freely in young people. Here are a few suggestions about how you can provide clarity around sports and, as a result, be more kind to your son or daughter.
First, I believe that open communication is the fastest way to provide clarity and therefore kindness. So, I’d like to challenge you to have the following conversations with your child:
What is an area where I’ve overstepped my boundary as your parent and tried to play the role of the athlete?
Same question, but change 'athlete' to 'coach.'
In what areas in my role as your parent when it comes to your sport have I done well?
In what areas in my role as your parent when it comes to your sport do I need to grow in?
What does support from me look like to you in your sport?
Same question but change ‘support’ to ‘encouragement,’ then ‘love,’ then ‘comfort.’
How would you like to celebrate your successes, big and little, that involve us as your parents?
Will it be awkward to start these types of conversations with your son or daughter? Possibly, but I am confident that each of you are willing to work through it so you can make progress towards the opportunity for a stronger relationship. A simple way to start this conversation is to ask them to read this article and tell them you’d like to set a time to talk about it. If you are an athlete reading this and you need to initiate the conversation, use that same introduction with your parents.
Here are a few things for parents to consider to help these conversations go well. Listen to learn, don’t listen to respond! This conversation isn’t the place for you to defend yourself. Don’t explain why you do something that they say they would prefer you don’t do. If they ask why, then tell them. Otherwise, this conversation isn’t the place for you to lecture or to share your opinion. This conversation IS the place for you to ask lots of follow up questions. For example, can you give me an example of a time I’ve done that? Or, can you help me understand how that makes you feel? Set your ego aside and remember this isn’t about you, this is about them. Keep asking questions until their points are clear to you. Remember, the goal is to be clear so that you can be kind.
Tools for coaches (and parents!)
Coaches, I haven’t forgotten about you. If you send out regular emails to the parents in your program, I would encourage you to consider sharing parent/child conversation starters to help parents support the message you are giving your athletes at practice. Here are a few examples that I use within the Lady Titan XC program at PL South. Of course parents, you can start these discussions without your coach sending them to you!
(In the first few weeks of practice) We asked the ladies to journal about their 3 biggest recurring worries when it comes to running/racing. We then asked them to identify words that are the opposite of that worry. For example, if they wrote about pre-race anxiety as a worry some opposite words would be: peace, calm, steady. This week we will be asking the ladies to choose a word as a personal theme for the season & we will have them make a bracelet for that word. Ask them about the words they are considering for the season and why they choose that word.
(Prior to the first race.) As we approach our first race, this is a great opportunity to find out how you can best support your Lady Titan on race day by asking them directly - it can be a great dinner-time conversation. Every runner is different and will have different needs when it comes to race day support. I want to remind you that it is OUR job to coach, so leave the strategy and critique aspect of racing to us. YOUR job is to support, so here are some questions to find out how you can best do that:
Days leading up to the meet: Is it okay for us to ask you questions about how you are feeling about the upcoming race? Is it okay for us to ask about what the coach has planned for a strategy at the upcoming race?
Prerace: Do you want me to say anything specific to you before the race? Can I give you a hug/fist bump pre-race? Do you just want your space pre-race? How can I help make your pre-race environment enjoyable & not add stress?
During the Race: Any specific place you want me to cheer for you on the course? What do you not want me to say to you during the race? What can I say that will help you during the race?
After the Race: What do you want to hear from me after your race...if you are excited about your race? ...if you appear disappointed by your race? What could be a simple post-race tradition that we could start as a family to celebrate your hard work?
QUESTIONS I USED WITH MY OWN BOYS BEFORE & AFTER A MEET:
DAY BEFORE: How can I best support you at the meet tomorrow?
AFTER: What memories did you make today? What went well in your race today (I didn’t give my opinion of this answer unless they asked)? What did you learn today?
(After a few races) We will be asking the ladies to journal about what a successful season looks like for them. We'll ask them to look through two different lenses, success from a performance standpoint (time, place on team, medals, etc.) and personal standpoint (character skills that they want to develop...confidence, toughness, focus, etc.). We will be making the point that we ultimately don't control "performance" success but we have 100% control over "personal" success. I've observed in 25 years of coaching that personal success is the foundation of all performance success - but it never goes the other way.
This week I would encourage you to ask them how they want to define performance and personal success for themselves. I would also encourage both parents to write a note to your Lady Titan and share what you hope they gain from their cross country experience. This note should focus on how you want to see them grow as a person and stay away from performance based comments. I do believe it is important to write this note and not just tell them verbally. I think we can all recognize that teenagers often struggle to fully focus on what parents say, so giving them this in written form allows them to focus better on your words and keep them to look back on as well.
(Mid-season) This week or next week marks the midway point of the season for your Lady Titan based on when their season ends. It is going fast! I would encourage you to engage your Lady Titan in a conversation in what they feel the biggest obstacle is to their training and racing right now. Some things to consider: fueling, sleep, extracurricular/work schedule, school, mindset, or other. I would also have a conversation about the expectations they have for themselves this season and evaluating if their choices in the areas mentioned are supporting those expectations or adding to the obstacle. You can also ask them how you can support them in whatever area they feel is their obstacle. Your job isn't to identify or fix the issue, but rather to help them think through it and support them if they want it.
If you made it all the way to the end of this article, thank you for allowing me to challenge you in your role as parent. Both of my boys are now past their high school competition days, but it brings me great joy as a father seeing them own the things they choose to be involved in as adults. That is easier for them to do when I get out of the way, I know my role, and I play it well! I pray this will be true for you as well!
*****
Jeremy Haselhorst has been a high school teacher and coach since 2000. He has served as the head girls cross country coach at Papillion La Vista South high school since the school opened in 2003 and also coaches track & field. He has taught a Leadership Academy class since 2014 which allowed him to pursue his passion for teaching leadership and mental skills. Jeremy is a certified mental performance mastery coach and the co-founder of FREE2COMPETE, a business focused on teaching mental skills to high school and college athletes and supporting coaches in building the culture of their program. FREE2COMPETE offers support in both team and individual settings. To learn more, visit www.free2compete.com or contact Jeremy directly at coachh@free2compete.com. He is happy to answer any questions you may have as you process through this article.